Change of plans

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I love being Lena’s mama. I never planned to have kids and when asked, I swore I was never, ever going to have any. But now that I do have a kiddo, I am so thankful God had other plans for me. 

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When I was in college, I had big plans to be a successful designer and move to Europe. I envisioned myself exploring museums, discovering new music and enjoying intelligent conversations over fancy dinners. While I managed to accomplish bits and pieces of that, the life I’m currently living has little to no resemblance to that dream.

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My days are spent reading the same picture books over and over in between washing a never-ending stack of laundry. Instead of discovering new music, I sing time-tested nursery rhymes, lullabies and a lot of gibberish in an effort to elicit a giggle from my easily amused audience of one. And intelligent conversation? What’s that? I can show you how to sign milk, please, and thank you, if that counts. A fancy dinner means I was able to eat my entire meal without someone in my lap.

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Despite the dramatic difference between my former goals and currently reality, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I know that raising my little human is some of the most important work of my life. It’s not always easy and it’s not even fun at times. But it is valuable and life changing.

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There are points when I don’t know where to get the energy to diffuse another temper tantrum or make up another song and game to keep the Bacon Bit entertained. And it’s usually right at that time when she surprises me. It’ll be an unsolicited hug, a kiss, maybe she’ll even decide to put away some toys or sign “I love you.” But she seems to know just when I need a little boost. 

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This mama love is a crazy, complicated thing. I see my own flaws as Lena exhibits characteristics and mannerisms that undeniably come from me. I’ve also realized how much my own mom put aside in order to raise my brother and me. And each day, we all morph more and more into versions of each other. Lena into me into my mom. And secretly, I love it. Changed plans really are a blessing.

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